Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
