my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
