You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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