I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
