I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
