is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
