omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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