Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
