I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
