i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
