My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
