me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
