The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
