I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
