Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
