if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
