somebody snuck up and got me drunk
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I pour the whiskey from now on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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