I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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