Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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