I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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