life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
