im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
