Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
