Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
