Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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