don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
