So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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