Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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