So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My vagina just clenched in fear
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
