You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
