I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
