1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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