hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
