I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All the doctor said was why
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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