I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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