You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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