all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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