I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
