I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
