Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
