Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
