OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
