Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
