I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
