I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
