honey bunches of taint.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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