i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
