dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
