i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
