Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
