This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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